Worse than Pogues with Cell Phones

That's right, I found something even worse than pogues with cellular phones. That's right. Worse.

MPs with attitudes. Okay, okay, okay... so find me an MP withOUT an attitude. I went to the PX for the first time in about a week to pick up some burgers for some of our guys who were going to miss chow because of work. I showed up, parked in the big muddy field about 200 meters from any kind of dry land. I headed for the PX and the middle-eastern version of Burger King. All they have are Royale's with cheese and cold, soggy french fries. Anyway, as I approached the PX pavilion, I was stopped by a little man. With an MP shoulder sleeve. With Captain's bars on his collar.

That's THREE strikes against your personality! Little men automatically have a Napoleon complex. MPs are constantly seeking for ways to shift attention away from their personal larcenies and felonies towards those less-deserving criminals. AND HE HAD TO BE A CAPTAIN!!!! Captains are the WORST officers out there! They think they're better than lesser officers and wanting to impress the officers who actually are better than captains.

So, here's how the exchange went:
"Hey boys, how's it going?" "Show me your ID Badge." "Um, which one?" "The one around your neck that you're hiding inside your shirt." "Um, no." "You will show your ID card at all times when you have chosen to wear civilian clothes." "I cannot show this badge to you." "You WILL show me your ID card." "Um, I'm a civilian and why didn't you say ID card?" "You will show me your ID card right now, sir." (taking out my wallet) "Um, here it is. Did you just want to see my ID card?" "Sir, I do NOT like your attitude. What is your name?" (gave my name) "Who do you work for?" (gave my company name) "No, I mean who pays your check, what are you, some kind of KBR greasemonkey?" "The US Air Force pays my bill." "Aaaah. Figures." "What do you mean?" "I will be writing an incident report on your attitude and for telling me, 'no' right now instead of 'yes, sir'." "I'm sorry?" "Here at LSA Anaconda it is base policy for you to wear your ID card in the open at all times you choose to wear civilian clothes." "OOOO K." "I suggest you head into that PX right there and buy yourself an ID card hanger to fit in with everyone else around here." "Um, so you're ordering me to go buy myself something from the PX?" "No sir, you just need to fit in with everyone else." "alllllll righty." "Sir, I am going to submit this incident report about your attitude. Things would have been much simpler had you just done what I said. The next time I catch you with your ID card in your pocket I will do everything in my power to kick you off this base." "You would kick me out into Iraq???" "No, sir, that would be inappropriate." "you know, I'd go to jail for insinuating something like what you just threatened." "Sir, just go into that PX and get yourself that thing for your neck." "Yeah. OK." "I will kick you off of here if I see you disobeying the rules again." "Have a good one, boss."

So, I was coming off of an 18-hour workday, going to get food for my guys, and this starched-uniform freshly pressed and shiny boot KID of a captain wanted to have a pissing contest on the front steps of the PX!

You know, in Iraq, there is a dire need for trained MPs to escort convoys, guard the perimeter of posts, escort prisoners, and do a real job. Instead, they're hassling civilians, giving out speeding tickets for going 2 km/h over the posted speed limit (posted on signs that are shot-up from mortars and rockets) and for passing a truck that's pulled over to let you pass because they can only drive 5 mph. Doing great things for the country, these guys. I wonder what kind of war stories they're going to be able to tell. I mean, what can they say? "This one time... I pulled this guy over and it was soooo cool..."

Anyway, that's enough ranting and raving for now.

I need fingernail clippers and a door mat. It's muddy and I lost my fingernail clippers on a helicopter ride. I cried. All night long.